Sunday, June 22, 2003

Training in Gomorrah - Part I

Good evening from what has to be the most humid place on the face of Mother Earth. Landing this afternoon felt more like riding in a submarine than an airplane. A couple of seahorses and a tuna swam past my window as we flew over the Gulf. Everything here is wet. According to the low budget newscast, it has been raining here for a while, but you can tell that it’s always wet. On the way down it was difficult to tell where it would be safe to land. Everything looked as though it would sink.

The airport here is nice. When we got off the boat we took a fun shuttle over to the baggage claim area. After a while, my bags came out! I had a backpack (carry on), and two suitcases (checked). I felt like I packed the minimum necessities, but noticed that no other man had so much baggage as me. Perhaps my big pants account for at least part of this phenomenon. My pants take more than their fair share of material. What can I say? I love fabrics. Nylon, denim, wood, paper, felt…you name it! Burlap! You’d be hard-pressed to name a fabric I consider objectionable. Meat!

Anyway, we took the Super Shuttle over here to the….Wait! I’ll be darned if it isn’t the largest cockroach I’ve ever seen. I don’t even think I have an implement large enough to kill this thing. I’m not joking. I tried to use a phone book, but the wind created by my mighty blow only knocked the beast to the carpet and under my bed. A place the S.O.B. will no doubt lurk until I am asleep – at which point it will surely assume residence some place inside my self. But the Super Shuttle brought us to the Holiday Inn Sucksprout or some such. It took about an hour to drive over here (an old had to be deposited at her apartment on the other side of town before we could come over here to the Sunsquat) and another 45 minutes to check in – I’m serious. And my suitcases – not including my backback – weighed 66.1 pounds according to airport scales (I brought my metal underpant). My attitude (I just injured the cockroach within an inch of his life) which was really great going into this training opportunity, was souring quickly at this point. I was sweating quite a lot and the muscles from my arms were approaching failure. Finally I was registered and ready for a little relaxing before dinner.

Quickly, I changed into my customary felt napping pants (brown), removed the nasty comforters (personally, I am not comforted knowing the different human byproducts that must get on motel comforters…did you know that they don’t wash those things?), and laid down for some resting. I hadn’t taken it easy for five minutes before all areas of my person began to itch. It was the kind of itching that takes place deep inside the carcass. It was the kind of itching that can’t be dealt with minus surgery. I rubbed and rubbed and rubbed, but it was all for naught. Even I couldn’t have imagined that my deterioration in this place would begin so quickly and severely.

Next we went for some seafood. It was fantastic! I had Grouper (a kind of fish). I wouldn’t mind going back to that place.

My plan was to take you through all the events of the evening. However, I just revisited the spot where I wounded the cockroach within an inch of his life. Guess who already healed enough to hide back underneath the bed? Now I don’t feel like telling much more about my adventures from Night 1. You should know though that my feet are infected as a result of my dumb trip down to the ocean. I am full of sand, my feet are blistered, my innards itch, I forgot to go to the Tiki Bar in time for the Men’s Topless and Tight Fittin’ Jeans Contest that I was destined to win, and now I’m going to go to bed so that a cockroach can come live in my ear – or worse.

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