Tuesday, April 27, 2004

The Lisa Chronicles - Chapter 2 (written by special contributor "Alan")

Tuesday morning it's 60 degrees, “Lisa” refers to the weather as freezing.* I try to turn the air conditioner on in my car or roll the windows down but “Lisa” and “Mildred” both yell at me because they're cold. At the office, “Lisa” and “Gertie” go to talk to our contact and return laughing. Apparently an employee was walking with them and telling them about a wreck he was in, at which he bends his finger backward to touch his arm. “Lisa” claims this is gross and that it is nothing like what she can do.** At lunch, “Lisa” confused the waiter so bad he got her order wrong twice, and was never able to completely get it right. Apparently she can't order a sandwich and take off what she doesn't like, which is everything. After lunch we go to the Austin office where “Lisa” just went crazy. As “Lisa” is at “Manager Y’s” desk trying to do her timesheet, a spider crawled on the desk and “Lisa” couldn't finish until I got the spider off the desk. Once “Lisa” walks out of “Manager Y’s” office she finds that the entire office has been decorated with her pictures. Naturally she immediately blames Larry Feathers, even though Mister Larry Feathers is 200 miles away and could have nothing to do with this. She proceeds to take all the pictures down, including the one above the fax of her asleep at Shreveport. I stop her and put the picture back up, “Myrtle” tells her to leave their artwork alone and I nominate her for Vickie of the Month for destroying the Austin office.*** For dinner we go to The County Line, one of the best barbeque restaurants I've ever been to. “Lisa” is upset that the only side items are beans, potato salad and cole slaw. She can't believe they don't have fries. She orders an appetizer of a 1/2 pound of sausage and bread. The dinner arrives and “Lisa” unrolls half the paper towels on the table and begins to wipe all the barbeque sauce off the sausage. After she gets all the sauce off and goes through one roll of paper towels, she puts 3 small slices of sausage on a large slice of bread and that is all she ate, leaving a plate full of sausage. The entire meal she complains that she should have ordered turkey. The best part of dinner was when the little kid sitting next to us gets a bag of potato chips with his dinner, this really upsets “Lisa” because she wanted a kids meal. Now that we're back to the hotel, “Lisa” calls me bragging that some guy just tried to pick her up when she went back down to the bar for another drink. I'm not sure the point of the call, but she says she's going back down to the bar to meet this guy and have another drink.

To be continued...

LARRY F. COMMENTARY:
*”Lisa” is iron deficient. I recently nearly died of heat exhaustion. Right before the paramedics arrived to take care of me, I made it over to the thermostat which was set at “HEAT, OVERRIDE, 86”. It was 75 degrees outside at the time! You could literally see an orange glow shining through the heat vents. Yet “Lisa” continued to don her blue lightweight jacket.
**Lisa is a contortionist. She can twist her self into inhuman positions that hurt to watch. If things don’t work out at the OIG, she could easily work for a traveling freak show.
***The “Vickie of the Month” is a monthly award bestowed on the OIG staff member guilty of having the most unseemly behavior during a given month.

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