Tuesday, June 29, 2004

Smoke

Let me begin by giving a shout out to Frannie for recommending the hotel in which I’m currently staying. It’s in San Antonio and it’s called the Menger Hotel. Opened in 1859 approximately a stone’s throw away from the Alamo (depending on arm strength and throwing mechanics), the Menger has served as host to the famous and infamous. Indeed, frequent guests here included Teddy Roosevelt (he stayed here when he was recruiting the famed Rough Riders of history!), Presidents Taft, McKinley, Grant, Harrison, Eisenhower, and Nixon, Maude Adams, Oscar Wilde, Gen. John Pershing, Buffalo Bill Cody, Roy Rogers and Dale Evans, and others. Most exciting, I think, is that Geronimo was once imprisoned in the basement of this place (but don’t bother asking to look at Geronimo’s cell – it’s off limits to the public). And today the Menger is most pleased to have as its most recent guest register signee a certain Mister Larry Feathers!

My favorite thing about this hotel is that it is purportedly haunted by the ghosts of Teddy Roosevelt (his apparition has been observed in the bar from where I’m writing this entry), a maid (who wears an apron and a bandana and works on the third floor), a woman (who wears a long blue dress and roams the second floor), and Captain Richard King (of the famous King Ranch – he haunts a third floor suite where he died called, not coincidentally, the King Suite). I’ve been trying with all my might to summon these ghosts to join me for some fun (partially because I like ghosts, partially because none of the San Antonio living will have anything to do with me). So far I’ve had two encounters and I’ll describe them now.

But before I describe my brushes with the supernatural, let me say that the horrible country music blaring in this bar has annihilated the vibe I was shooting for.

Anyway, when I got to my room, the first thing I did was open the closet and bathroom doors ever so slightly so as not to trap any potential spirits within. Next I started taking it easy for a few minutes waiting for something ghastly to occur. As is common, I was soon distracted by an overwhelming desire for sausage. So I went to the County Line on the River Walk (a place I would like to recommend, if I may). When I got back to the hotel, I went up to the second floor to look for ghosts. I couldn’t find any. So I went back downstairs to ask the hotel people where I should go if I wanted to be around some ghosts. They told me that the lobby is a pretty good place. I tried the lobby, but nothing happened. According to documentation, a former maintenance man used to have run-ins with the ghost of Captain King. From the point he first saw King’s ghost, every time the maintenance man took the elevator it would stop on the third floor even if the maintenance man hadn’t pressed the “3” button selection press! Here’s where things get interesting! After my failure in the lobby, I had pretty much determined that this ghost thing was a hoax. So I got back on the elevator to head back to my fourth floor room. I pressed “4” and the elevator stopped at 3. I got off the elevator and started looking around. As I stood there I noticed that the old floor was creaking like crazy, but there was nobody around. I thought that was pretty good, but I didn’t see any ghouls and got back on the elevator. Upon entering my room I observed that the closet and bathroom doors were flung wide open and the windows (which aren’t supposed to open) were open. I think that’s great! Since it was a nice night out, I went to bed with the windows ajar. When I awoke the windows were shut. It just goes to show the power of thinking positively about ghosts.

So here I am in this bar where Teddy Roosevelt once drank trying to mentally drown out Shania Twain. This is a real drag, and I’m going to go out into the lobby to look for the lady in the blue dress.

Let me explain why it’s been a while since I last updated my adventures. I am in an emotional rut. All of this traveling combined with being in an auditing slump combined with other things that are none of your business has made me blue. I need to be at home for a week I think. This weekend will be good on account of it is a three-day weekend complete with one of my favorite holidays – the 4th of July. But then it’s back to the road (Austin). I am convinced about how blue I feel because I love Austin and all of the people I get to see in Austin, but right now I have no desire to be there at all. I feel like I’ve been neglecting Albert and my house is a wreck. You should see it. And while you see it, you should clean it! I have no idea what I’m supposed to do about pants next week. My pants collection is due for a dry cleaning, but there is no time. I’m sick of not eating at home, and I hate cooking. I’m tired of not sleeping on my bed, and it gives me sores. And what I really need is some good old-fashioned high quality water pressure! My scalp is telling me that I need not travel for a while. It’s just not possible to get a hotel shower with sufficient rinsing power. I work every day with half a helping of shampoo left in my head. My scalp is turning into a regular disaster area, and I’m starting to doubt my Biolage. There must be a shampoo out there for me somewhere. There must be!

Which reminds me…

Last week I was in Kentucky and Indiana. Since most of my extended family lives in southern Indiana, I decided to stick around Friday night and return to Garland on Saturday. Friday afternoon there wasn’t much to do between work and going out to eat with my grandma, second cousin, and aunt (together we were practically 300 years old) so I went over to K-Mart to see if the Suave my Aunt Kathy informed me about was really only 97 cents. Can you believe that a big container of Suave can actually be had for 85 cents? I didn’t think you’d believe it, so I decided to take a picture of it. As I got in picture taking position, a K-Mart employee came to the Suave aisle to do some stocking. For fear of being yelled out for taking shampoo pictures, I ran away to a different part of K-Mart where they sell CDs. I bought the new Beastie Boys CD, and it’s pretty good. After I got the CD I went back over to the shampoos. Once again, I poised myself for picture taking (in a second I’m going to describe the way my Mom takes pictures). As I got ready to photograph the Suave, I noticed a K-Mart surveillance monitor that showed me standing there getting ready to take the picture. Confused that they would be this concerned about Suave security, I ran away again, paid for my CD, and headed over to the Mark Elrod Tower (where my grandma lives with a lot of other old people) for fun.

Let me tell you about the way my Mom takes pictures. It would probably help if you stand up and imitate the steps I’m going to describe. First, with your right leg straight and stiff, stick your left leg out to the side as far as you can without losing your balance. Next, stick your right and left elbows out so that your forearms make a parallel line with the floor. Now, stick your neck out to the right as far as you can. If you aren’t feeling pain at this point, I can’t imagine that you’re in position to take a picture like my Mom. Now stand there for 45 seconds to one minute trying to figure out how to snap the picture while whoever you are taking a picture of gets really mad and loses the willingness to smile for the camera. If you have a Charlie horse in your left leg, your right knee locks, you get a crick in your neck, and your family is upset with you for taking forever then you have taken a picture like my Mom.

I have lots to tell you about Indiana and Kentucky, but I’m going to save most of it for another time. The main thing I learned in Indiana is that I really enjoy the way my Aunt Kathy and her two sons handle themselves. They are all really cool, and they all smoke. To try to get out of the rut I’m in, I decided about an hour ago that I’m going to start smoking. There is a cigar shop in the Menger. I went over there and explained to the proprietor that I am a new smokist and would be interested in his smoking recommendations. He sold me four high quality cigars (I think they are from Mexico), a box of matches, and a cigar cutter. So the decision is made! I will smoke! As I wrote in the Menger Bar, I smoked myself into oblivion, and I will continue to smoke until somebody asks me not to. In addition to a half of a cigar (I stopped because I thought my lungs were going to collapse), I drank a pina colada (virgin). Friends, I am officially out of control.

I really want to tell you about some more stuff, but I am exhausted and I really need to go wash the nicotine and tar off of my body. My aim is to write again tomorrow. Until then, let me highly recommend that you buy the new CD by The Cure. It is called The Cure, and so far I think it’s the best thing they put out since The Head on the Door. Good night.

4 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Larry, It's been so long since we've spoken! Ha!
Drinking, smoking? Sounds like me. I'm proud of you.
I'm also glad you encountered some ghostly activity.
The negative things about traveling you have described are the exact things I am worried about with the possibility of taking a job that will require me to travel.
Furthermore, I'm concerned about your emotional rut.
I've taken notice these past few days. And, I'm making it my business! I need to meet up with you one of these weekends.
Oh, I bought two Staind cd's last weekend. I kind of like them.
jw

10:21 PM  
Blogger larrys-lady said...

Larry,
I hope you enjoyed San Antonio. I will be traveling down that way on the 16th. I really enjoyed reading about your encounters with ghost & your smoking binge. Might I suggest Camel's Dark Mint cigarettes,(Creamy hints of chocolate & refreshing mint) It is almost like dessert. They make for a rich, velvety smooth smoking experience!
P.S. I feel as though I am in a rut myself. Maybe it is due to a lack of conversation with those who care most about you.
P.S.S. Keep up with your new hobby. Everybody loves the smell of stale tobacco on a man.

11:44 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Larry,
I took a break from reading your adventures since I was in clearwater last week for training. Eugena and I are reading your adventurous simultaneously (I heard her chuckle over in her cubicle once) Hey, that Morrissey CD is starting to get good. I like tracks 4 and 8 the best. I hear that track 8 will be the next single released. Two days ago Raylene was in my cubicle and listened to track 8, "the last of the gang to die" and she really liked the beat and started cracking up over the lyrics. That is my favorite song on the album. I told Raylene that if she liked, "the last of the gang to die," then she would like, "girlfriend in a coma."

The Menger is a great place. I have been through the hotel many times but have not had the chance to stay the night. That hallway with all the pictures is great. Isn't their a letter from J. Edgar Hoover to the hotel staff? Or was I just dreaming that. I am jealous because I never ran into any ghosts while I was there. Next time I go I will have to press level four on the elevator and see if it takes me to three.

So the Cure CD is pretty good? I might have to purchase that one. Is is upbeat or gloomy?

Johnny Thunder

12:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I've tried Biolage and it always makes my hair really greasy. I only use TIGI shampoos on my hair and I've never had a scalp issue. I use Dumb Blonde, but since you're not blonde, might I suggest Oatmeal & Honey or Catwalk. Plus, if you choose to buy it at a TIGI salon, you are guaranteed to see some freaky people.
jw

9:41 PM  

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