Buffalo to Chicago

Good morning from an airplane intended for Chicago. Have you ever noticed that when it comes to numbering rows on an airplane that one or two numbers are skipped between first class and economy? Is this supposed to be a symbol indicating that the first class people are a superior breed of animal? People are mean.

The peasants had to wait in a never-ending queue to obtain our boarding passes this morning. Adjacent laid a usually empty line available only to first class passengers. Suddenly, some human turd who I will call Phil came whistling up and announced to the peons, “I declare! It’s the first class boarding pass line. Looks like I’ve found where I’m supposed to be.” At that point he advanced toward the next available attendant (the one who was supposed to be for me). I started staring meanly at him. He was wearing a bad golf shirt, dress pants, dress shoes, and tube socks. I told Phil that my suspicion is that he is the only person in America who would be wearing his tube socks and dress pants in first class today. He scowled at me, took his boarding pass, and went away. Later when I was looking for food, I saw him sitting down whistling as loud as he could. I hollered, “Hello there Tube Socks!” He gave me the middle finger and I ordered some sausage. It was good.

Speaking of socks, you should see the pair I got at Niagara Falls! They are white with “Niagara Falls” embroidered in black plus they have a bunch of squirrels on them. They are fine socks, but I don’t know what sort of pants look nice with them. Come on and tell me if you have any ideas!

Speaking of squirrels, Niagara Falls had black ones. Since Garland doesn’t have black squirrels, I’ve never seen one before. So I took a picture. If you’d like to see a black squirrel, tell me and I’ll show you what one looks like. Or you could just imagine a regular squirrel only black and then you won’t have to bother me about everything. It’s up to you. In Buffalo I met a man from Kansas City called Rodney. He said that Kansas City has white squirrels. Has anybody ever seen any of those? Talk to me!

Speaking of Rodney, here is one of the nicest people you’ll ever meet. He’s just a really swell guy who likes to act kind toward others. Rodney grows steers. He offered to make some steaks out of one of them for me if I’m ever in Kansas City. I guess that’s nice – for me, at least. Rodney has about 20 head of steer. I asked him if he is friends with most of them. He replied that he thinks they’re his friends, but that he’s only named one of them. Unfortunately I didn’t get the named steer’s name. For the sake of discussion, let’s call him Willis. I asked Rodney if it makes him cry when he has the steers butchered. He said “no” which is confusing given how nice of a man Rodney can be. I guess that’s just the way it is in the cow business.

We visited the visitor’s center at Niagara Falls, U.S. As we approached the visitor’s center we came upon a man who looked like a pirate and his parrot whose name is – you’re not going to believe me – Larry. I didn’t catch the pirate’s name so for fun let’s call him Dennis. I have a picture of Larry and the so-called Dennis that I’ll post with my picture of strawberry shortcake (the dessert not the girl) when I get back in Garland. I asked the pirate if I could take his and Larry’s picture and he agreed. The next thing I knew, Dennis took has parrot and plopped him right down on top of my stats mentor Stacie! I thought Stacie might get scared, but she didn’t for she cares about animals and likes Larry. I have a picture of that too, but I’m going to have to get her permission before I put it up on the Internet. I don’t want Stacie to stop teaching me all about statistics.

At the visitor’s center worked a lady from Japan called Bernadette. Sometimes I make up fake names for people, but not this time! However, I doubt that a Japanese person is really called Bernadette so I suspect that she made up the name for herself when she started working over at the visitor’s center. So what we have here is a new kind of person. That is, a person with a real fake name. Now I’ve seen everything!

Anyway, Bernadette is the one in charge of giving directions to people. Stacie (who really likes shopping) asked Bernadette for directions to some outlet stores that, as it turns out, are one exit north of the Niagara Falls exit on 190. I think Bernadette mistook one of us for Ferdinand Magellan because the route she gave us caused us to circumnavigate what seemed like the whole of New York State. In a rage that can only be explained by the delay in getting to the Prime outlets, one person in our group who I shan’t name threatened to return to the visitor’s center for the purpose of picking a fist fight with Bernadette! When we finally arrived at the outlet, people became less mad and we were set to get our shop on!

To be continued after I switch planes…