Wednesday, November 30, 2005

My Sister's Baby

Here’s some happy news just in time for the holiday season. My sister and Kevin are hauling off and having a baby. As much as I feel sorry for babies that they were ever made to be born, I can’t wait for this kid to come true. This is going to be a good family. I sort of feel like drawing a little picture of what I think the baby will look like when it is new. If I’m still having energy by the time I’m done typing, I might make that picture and post it for you to see!

The other day I saw a sonogram of the baby. Honestly, I’m more than a little concerned. The baby’s head is about three times as big as the rest of it’s self! It looks like somebody you would see in space. Hopefully things will become a little more proportional over the next couple weeks. People assure me that this odd shape is normal. I assure those people that my parts were the same scale as present from the get go. I was just a tinier version of how I am now.

Do you remember shrinky dinks? They were plastic shapes that you baked in the oven turning them into miniature plastic shapes. Did people-shaped shrinky dinks start out normal-shaped and end up with a colossal head compared to the rest of its body when they shrank? I didn’t think so, and I don’t see why it would be any different for regular people. When you really think about it, shrinky dinks are the exact same thing as people, but opposite. Just like the Jonathan Winters character (“Mearth”) on Mork. I hope I’m wrong about all this because if current shape holds this kid will be made fun of! Why don’t people work the same as shrinky dinks?

I have declared myself in charge of the baby naming committee. Evidence shows that a person’s name is what determines their fate in life. In your own head, imagine someone named Elmer. Now imagine someone named Lance. Finally, think about someone named Wayne. Tell the truth! You think of Elmer riding farm equipment, Lance with a comb sticking out of the back pocket of his tight fittin’ jeans, and Wayne either in the electric chair or beating up his common law wife. I take this naming business serious.

And if any Waynes out there read this and decide they are “going to whoop” me for what I said about your name, I say that that’s about the reaction I’d expect from a Wayne.

The other day I was telling my sister that she should give the kid two names. One for when it acts good, and another for when it misbehaves. I told her that she should name the bad version of the kid Bunstance (assuming it’s a girl). It sounds right to scream, “Shut up Bunstunce!” Try it for fun – “Shut up Bunstunce!” She told me that the words “shut up” and “stupid” aren’t allowed. Good Lord. Those words were allowed in my house when I was little. Plus I was never held. I was poked quite a bit, but never held. And I got sat on by my own mother as a form of punishment. What’s wrong with the way I turned out? Name one thing!

Here are a few of my preferred boy names: Plaul (it’s just like Paul only with a spare ‘L’), Crayon, Blarn, Kayo, and Robert. My friend Brandon said that they should name it La Jennifer if it comes out to be a girl. How good is that? If it’s a girl, I think just about anything is okay as long as it ends in “stunce” (e.g., Karnstunce). Stunce just sounds pretty to me. If you want to offer up a name by leaving a comment, it’s okay with me. I’ll run all suggestions past my sister and Kevin.

I hope my dog is nice to the baby. It would be horrible to have to give it away.


Blogger Gye Greene said...

Any of the ninja turtles' first names would be good. Also ''Giovanni''.


11:16 PM  
Blogger Bean said...

I have been unable to say the phrase "Shut up Bunstunce!" without laughing.

Glad to see you back, LF.

12:03 PM  
Blogger Stef said...

When I think of someone named Lance I think of someone who can ride a bike really well; fast and for a long time that is.
Sorry, maybe I'm the weird one here.

12:06 PM  
Anonymous SS said...

I think LaQuicha is a beautiful name.

Dutch is a nice name for a boy.

12:23 PM  
Blogger ThatWomanInNewAlbany said...

I only remember your Mom sitting on you once or twice and I don't think it did SERIOUS damage. Also, I'm unclear on your last statement. I assume, give away the baby??? Gee, Larry, could you give that drawing of the baby one more try???

12:56 PM  
Blogger Bleach n Sheets said...

You should post the entire list of names you came up with. Tara, can you make this happen?

Also Kev, tell them your perscription drug names you came up with.

Lastly, thanks for blogging...I fell like I helped in some way. Peace.

1:56 PM  
Blogger K. said...

Ritalin if its a boy, Claritin if its a girl. Or perhaps Propecia.

Side effects may include drowsiness, dizziness, dry mouth, diarrhea, dementia, diptheria, delirium, dropsy, and drooling. Ask your doctor if Propecia is right for you.


P.S. The artwork is genius. Bonus points for including a UFO in the picture.

3:42 PM  
Blogger Tara said...

First of all, thanks for the nice stuff you said in this blog. The picture is good, but I hope the baby doesn't look like that (a sort of unbearded Kent McGregor baby would be a little creepy).

I promise the proportions will be fine by the time the baby comes true.

I think Larry based his definition of a Lance on a guy from my high shool named Lance "The Jel" Jellison, who was very nice, but was kind of a cool-breezer (but it was the 80s after all).

I appreciate all the help from Larry and the others in the naming committee. I am afraid that the baby will not have "stunce" in its name, nor will it be named after cookware, food, or prescription drugs, even though all those things are funny to think about.

I love shrinky dinks. I have done them as an adult.

Larry is going to be a great uncle.

3:55 PM  
Blogger Tara said...

I especially like that the UFO says "UFO" on the side of it.

4:29 PM  
Blogger marty said...

Spoken like a true uncle. I am sure you will shine in the roll. It sounds like you had a very similar childhood to K. who has stated that he has been raised by wolves, and from the picture I am starting to believe him. They do say genes have a tendancy to skip a generation.

3:06 PM  
Blogger tschy said...

While Larry's suggestions for names may be a bit on the "unusual side" - it's not crazy to think that the name is important. In the book Freakonomics, the crazy economist that wrote the book did a ton of analysis on names and how the kid ended up coming out - based on level of education I think. Not sure if any of it is real, but it's an intersting argument.

10:04 PM  
Anonymous bigD said...

Dutch has cache out the yin-yang baby!

11:23 AM  
Blogger Frannie said...

Larry I like your drawing. You drew "Plaul" with a strong chin. Superheroes are often drawn with a strong chin because it gives the impression of courage. "Plaul" sort of has a Kirk Douglas like chin.

Tell your sister that "stupid" and "shut up" aren't allowed in our house either. Basically we have a ban on "S" words including those mentioned, other words like suck and of course the obvious. It's amazing how many words there are to degrade people that start with the letter "S."

11:56 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Congratulations Uncle Larry!


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Blogger ThatWomanInNewAlbany said...

Who the heck are those last two omen? I want to see a picture of your head!

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Blogger Bleach n Sheets said...


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Blogger Stef said...

where in the world is Larry Feathers?

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Blogger Julie said...

Now that you know what she looks like- you should update the pic!

12:44 PM  
Blogger Julie said...

Now that you know what she looks like- you should update the pic!

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