Wednesday, August 10, 2005


I’ve been meaning to write, but I just can’t think of anything else to say. There’s only so much stuff to put.

Put <-- I think that’s a funny word. Say this: "put put put put put put". Now that’s fun! "Put put put". Swing!

When I was too small to defend myself, my sister used to drive me through construction zones. She made me play a game called “Barrel”. The rule was that if I didn’t say “barrel” each time we passed a barrel (and there are numerous barrels in construction zones), she’d haul off and punch me right on the fat.

When I got big enough to drive, I put my sister in the car and told her we were going out for a game of “Weed”.

Speaking of relatives who did mean things to me when I was little…

Sometimes my cousin Tony reads this blog. I wonder if he remembers the time he put Preparation H on my toothbrush when we were spending the night at my grandma’s house. It’s weird to think that my grandma must have had some hemorrhoids. In the bathroom with the Preparation H, she also had some goopity goop goop called Dippity Do. People used Dippity Do in their hairdos. After I finished brushing my teeth with hemorrhoid cream, Tony and I took turns playing the Card Sharks bonus round. I had fun back then. But not anymore!

Does the H in Preparation H stands for “hemorrhoid”? Of all the things to prepare, I can’t imagine why you’d ever need to prepare a hemorrhoid. I wouldn’t even know where to begin.

I know a guy named Chet. He recently had several surgeries including adult tonsil removal. I bet he’s also had hemorrhoids. It seems Chet set the world’s record for biggest tonsils. According to Chet they weighed four pounds! Some midgets don’t even weigh that much.

The other day, my friend (who is quite brilliant) – let’s call her Gertie - issued the following two statements:
1. “Fat’s what makes everything good.”
2. “Bulls are big.”
Who could argue? The best part is that she wasn’t even trying to be funny.

I really must work to perfect the technology for the customized See N Say. As you may recall from childhood, this is the toy with a dial in the middle and barnyard animals around the circumference. You put the dial on the pig (for example), pulled the string, and the machine went “Pigs say, ‘Oink, oink, oink’.” I’d make a See N Say with Gertie's head on the dial. It would go, “Gertie says, ‘(insert funny statement)’”.

Tomorrow is my sister’s birthday. She’s going to be 37! I can’t believe she’s that old. Way to go, Tara! You did it!

I guess I need to figure out what to give her. It seems like she’s constantly asking for “a good cookie sheet”. Either we are bad at buying good cookie sheets or she is bad at cookies because my parents and I have made gift-giving careers out of supplying her with good cookie sheets.

From what I understand from people, the secret to good cookies may be something called “parchment paper”. They say you can put parchment paper on even a crummy cookie sheet (crummy meaning bad; not crummy meaning crumby), and the cookies will come out perfect (that is, they would be neither crummy nor crumby)!

Apparently parchment paper is on the same aisle as wax paper and plastic wrap. The other day I found out that plastic wrap let’s off cancer and you shouldn’t use it to cover up your leftovers.

What fun would it be if I made origami out of parchment paper? I could rub dough on the origami and turn it into a swan cookie (or something). These would be some fancy cookies. It would be neat to have a store called “Fancy Cookies by Larry”. I’d also offer fondue. Others would like me and wonder if I’m gay.

As this is clearly going nowhere, I’m going to go away until I get some better material. This has been crap.


Blogger Julie said...

This has not been crap- i laughed out loud! keep it coming! :) I can't believe you don't remember the Red Dragon sweater.

9:45 PM  
Blogger Tara said...

First of all it is the other way around on the game "barrel." I was the one who had to say barrel or get hit. Also I always ask for a good cookie sheet, but I never actually get one so that is why I keep having to ask for one every year. And thanks for remembering my birthday. You don't have to get me anything but you could burn me some chameleons if you want, or david sylvian gone to earth. And what I remember most about being a kid with tony is sitting on the floor of his laundry room while playing the game of Life and eating dry cheerios out of a big tupperware container. This blog is funny.

9:53 PM  
Blogger K. said...

Speaking of funny product names...

We were idly flipping through the upper channels the other day (that Sahara desert of TV between the Gem Shopping Network and The Knife Show) when we hit paydirt and landed on an advertisement for a product called Urine-Off. I kid you not. Here it is:

Note the choice of background color for this website. Also note that it comes with the "Urine 101 Video". Call me low-brow but I think that's funny.

In the commercial, a disembodied hand went around the house with a blacklight illuminating various urine stains (there were many). The hand would then spray on Urine-Off with a flourish, and voila, the stain was off.

Now, my question is: what marketing genius invented the name Urine-Off? Aside from not being particularly creative, who is going to want to buy a product with such an unsavory name? At least they could have called it Formula U. Or better yet, Formula P.

They also missed out on a good slogan opportunity: "You're in for a treat with Urine-Off".


6:40 AM  
Blogger Tara said...

The funny thing is that the product we saw on TV was actually called Urine-GONE and it has a web site too, so there are at least two of these products out there for us to choose from. Maybe Urine-Off is the Russian version. (Rim shot).

7:10 AM  
Blogger Tara said...

Larry should buy some for his next hotel visit in Oklahoma.

7:12 AM  
Blogger tschy said...

Larry and Tara have memories like elephants. I do remember the Prep-H incident. Man, was I an a-hole! I don't recall the Life/Cherios's scenario...then again, I don't remember much from the days of living on Mt. Tabor road.

11:19 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I saw va-poo-rize once, but that was on a crappy jack black/ben stiller movie

2:53 PM  
Anonymous tim said...

hello. this will be my first post on this blog. i mostly frequent bleachblog. i always read your stuff though. I love it. the beard theories makes me laugh!
i thought i must comment because i wanted to tell you guys that i tried urine-gone! and it really does work. i thought the infomerial was stupid too, but, i was in dire striaghts b/c my cats deposited multiple bladders full of urine on our guest bed in one weekend while we are gone. the cats are now not with us. anyway, i had some guys spray it with professional spray and everything (~$50), and this $20 bottle did much better.

just like you guys i loved the title. it says it all. if any consumers are wondering what the primary feature of the spray is, they can just read the name. that is a good marketing stratigy. when i was using it on the bed, i tried to work it into my conversations as much as i could when i was talkign to my wife: before spraying: "i sure hopes this makes urine-gone." During the spraying: "i think this will make the urine-gone. Do you think the urine-gone is making the urine-gone?" after spraying: "honey, that spray made the urine-gone. I sure am glad that it made the urine-gone." etc. I did that as much as i could that day.

12:56 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Why not just go away...period.

8:58 AM  
Blogger emmanuel77addison said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

8:02 PM  
Blogger Larry Feathers said...

In general I don't like responding to comments, but in this case I can't not respond.

I think it's horrible that you ask, "Why don't you just go away...period." but you end that sentence with a period. You should've used a question mark. Furthermore, your use of the ellipsis is gratuitous. I guess you're just not very good at punctuation.

You probably also aren't very good at being a human being. I, on the other hand, have perfected being alive and am now ready to "go away...period" if that be Jesus' will.

And when I do "go away...period" I will haunt and throw lightning rods at you. You might be anonymous here, but you won't be anonymous to my ghost! When you die from being struck by my lightning, your best chance of staying out of the deepest bowels of hell will be if Satan rejects your soul.

I think you owe me an apology.

9:39 PM  
Blogger Jenny said...

I cannot believe someone would leave such a rude comment! The lack of respect and courtesy humans show for one another is appolling these days. Today at Weir's, a lady yelled at me and almost plowed me down to get to the bargain room on the second floor. (as if they were giving merchandise away for free)
I also wonder why when I am in the process of purchasing an item from a store, I, the consumer, end up saying "thank you" at the end of the transaction. Why is it that cashiers these days do not say "thank you"? I always end up saying "thank you" and the cashier says "you're welcome". It's as if the store just assumes that you should be thankful that their products are so wonderful and available for one's purchase.
I should really start a new blog to grip about people I find appolling.

10:43 PM  
Anonymous bigD said...

I ain't fo sho, but I think the go away...period is refering to va-poo-rize and the associated movie.


4:08 PM  
Blogger ThatWomanInNewAlbany said...

Larry!! Thanks so much for telling us about brushing your teeth with Preparation-H! I brushed my teach with Ben-Gay once. I wonder ... which one is worse. Maybe you could try the Ben-Gay and let me know. You do have a way of making a whole lot of crap LOL material. I'm at work on Saturday and needed something to laugh about. My job, however, is beyond the have to do anything phase. Since I'm the project lead, everyone else is working and I just had to bring in the pizza. Good plan, huh??

2:04 PM  
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8:59 PM  

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