A Rough Fortnight for Jesus

Well, whatever momentum Jesus had going during the Easter season came to a grinding halt over the last two weeks. I think the cases of Terry Schiavo and The Pope left Him with some explaining to do.

Let’s face it. Terry Schiavo got a pretty rotten deal. It would suck to starve to death. It would suck even more to starve to death with your husband and your husband’s attorney lurking around like vultures constantly asking “Aren’t you dead yet?” while, for some reason unknown to you, your real family isn’t around much while you’re laying there suffering, and your husband’s soon-to-be new wife is standing there at a makeshift alter hastily erected next to your death bed waiting to get married to that s.o.b. if only you would just expire. Starving to death should only happen when you’re lost in the desert or in some similarly barren locale. It shouldn’t come at the hands of the people who are supposed to like you the best. That must’ve been a pretty miserable couple of weeks.

I’m not saying that Jesus was punishing Terry Schiavo. I don’t think that’s how He operates. There is always some sort of a purpose for stuff. However, I think she was owed an explanation for all that suffering. Jesus could tell her about how many people are writing living wills because of her. Maybe He could tell her that He was pretty sure Michael Schiavo belonged in hell, but needed a little more evidence. I don’t know. The whole thing made me feel kind of sick.

My sister wrote a living will on her blog. I thought it was funny but it’s probably just the way she’d really want things (www.housepants.blogspot.com). One part of it says that her therapy should include being placed in front of a window so she can look at birds. I told her that I’m gonna be her Michael Schiavo. If any birds dare come near her nursing home, I’ll be sitting outside of her window with a shotgun ready to blow them to smithereens. And if one of those blasted American Kestrels that she likes so much gets within her eye shot, things are really going to get grisly. I’ll also have Ministry’s “Stigmata” constantly playing in the background. The only time Ministry will stop is when it’s time for Rush Limbaugh. I’ll set up her room like that one in Elvis’ house with all the TV sets. One set will show videos of glaciers melting. Another will have looped coverage of the Exxon Valdez disaster. A third will be a live video feed of traffic on 635. Maybe I can get those ATF agents who flashed strobe lights and played bad noises at the Branch Davidians to help. Plus I’m going to pay someone to come in and poke her every few seconds. She’d like that. I just want her to die in peace and with dignity.

That Michael Schiavo is a sick bastard.

Then there’s The Pope. He seemed like a pretty neat guy. From the way he helped end communism to the way he was kind to all to his wardrobe, I say The Pope was first rate! But I’m afraid that he may have been in for a little bit of shock when he went into Heaven. The guy Poped as hard as he could for twenty something years! I can see how he might have been under the false impression that he would get some sort of preferential treatment when he got up there. Hopefully The Pope always kept in mind that Jesus likes us all the same and that there is no special treatment in Heaven. Having said all that, I’m sure Jesus cut him a little bit of slack if he came up there with kind of a bad attitude about the lack of fanfare.

It’s going to be weird to look at The new Pope. I hope he doesn’t seem like a phony when he puts on all of The Pope’s clothes. Let’s come together and give this new guy a chance!