Christmas Party

So last night was my annual Christmas party. For those of you who weren’t invited, I must say that you really missed out on fun. We had music, dancing (one of my lawyer friends brought his old Alfonso’s Breakin’ Board), cookies, a Chinese gift exchange, plus some other stuff. We took makin’ the Yuletide gay to a whole new level!

You should’ve seen me dancing! My white pants and green plastic shirt plastered with white Christmas trees glistened under the light of my green and red disco ball as I moved in perfect sync to the “Footloose” soundtrack. As I looked around I noticed everybody getting jiggy with “Let’s Hear it for the Boy”. Everybody, that is, except for my dog Albert.

Later, as I was eating figgie pudding with some of my doctor friends, my mind’s eye flashed back to that image of Albert laying there completely flat and oblivious to the beat of the music. Why, I wondered out loud to my successful friends, don’t dogs snap their fingers or tap their feet to the beat of music? Fortunately Dwight Yoders (my friend who happens to be a veterinarian to the stars) chimed in and explained that dogs can’t snap because their fingers aren’t long enough. Still, none of us could figure out why dogs don’t tap their feet to the beat of the music. The only theory was put forth by Connie (a super model). She said that my dog probably doesn’t tap his paws because he is “just a mutt”. She was pretty sure that her pure bred Shih-Tzu can dance.

Do any of you know why animals like dogs and cows don’t tap to the beat? Even the most uncoordinated people I know can clap or snap to the beat of a song.

Here’s something else. How come when people tell you about conversations they’ve had with other people, they always say things like:
“Yesterday I was talking to my rich friend Alan, and he said…”
or
“I saw my lawyer friend Merle the other day, and he was saying that…”
or
“You’ll never guess who I had lunch with today. My proctologist friend, Clive.”

Am I supposed to believe that none of you have friends who work at a junk yard or some place? Just once I wish somebody would say, “Gee Larry I’d really like to have dinner with you tonight, but my friend Thad just got out of prison and we’re celebrating his new job as Luby’s janitor.” I wonder if some people are really impressed when their friends who really haven’t accomplished much in the grand scheme of things talk about their friends who allegedly have. I just don’t get it sometimes.

My sister and her husband just released their second CD – “The Palo Pinto House Pants House Band – Volume II”. I think it’s really good, and I’m most impressed by the singing of Julie Ohman and Rob Rhoden. If you’re interested, I’m selling copies of it for $10 without their permission. All proceeds will be donated to the SPCA of Texas.

Finally, for those of you who insist on buying me Christmas gifts, here is a list of what I’ve already received: an Albert calendar, a Fat Albert book, a Doc Watson CD, brown socks, a red tie, a white shirt that doesn’t have long enough arms, a leaf blower/mulcher/bagger, a book about the wicked wit of Winston Churchill, a book of America’s most boring post cards, a couple of framed arts, a jar of almonds, a whistlin’ tea kettle, a book of “Baseball’s Firsts”, a book about how statistics can lie, a book by Peter Drucker, and cash. I AM STILL ACCEPTING CASH. If you haven’t shopped for me yet, it’s time to get on the stick. And if you don’t feel like buying me something, you’re welcome to get over here and mulch and bag my leaves. Let me know you’re coming by and I’ll leave the blower/mulcher/bagger out on the front porch.