Dr. L. Feathers – “On Nutrition”

Season’s greetings. Because it’s Friday night and Friday night is the night when I like to really let it all hang out, I just partook in a box of Pasta Roni. What better way to bring in the weekend than with a dinner of boxed pasta and butter sauce?

Before I began preparing dinner I noticed something odd in the “Nutritional Facts” section of the Pasta Roni box. It’s something I’ve noticed in the past on other foods, but for some reason it really got me thinking this evening. They provide two sets of nutritional info – one “as prepared” and another “as packaged”. Now who, pray tell, is the intended audience of the “as packaged” data? Are there people among us who like to eat uncooked pasta with a little packet of herbs and dehydrated butter?

Here’s another question: If I so choose to eat the “as packaged” version of the Pasta Roni do I get to eat the cardboard box? You’re probably thinking that it’s a ridiculous proposal to eat a cardboard box, but here’s why I brought it up. According to the nutritional information, the “as packaged” version of Pasta Roni has 210 calories per serving versus 320 calories if I bother to cook it. You should also know that the only thing you must add to the “as prepared” Pasta Roni is water – which, I am told by scientists, has no calories at all. My conclusion is that for every 320 calories you consume, you can reduce the caloric intake by nearly one third by simply eating an appetizer of cardboard box. Move over Dr. Atkins and make way for the Larry Feathers Cardboard Diet.

Now I’m looking at the Nutritional Facts on a bag of Fritos. Here are some lowlights: a serving of Fritos has 160 calories (90 of which are from fat), there are 170 milligrams of salt, 15 grams of carbohydrates, no Vitamin A, no Vitamin C, no Iron, and little anything else. Is it proper to put “Nutritional Facts” on what amounts to a bag of crap? Something should have to have nutritional value in order for it to have nutritional facts. Do cigarettes have Nutritional Facts? I know for sure that they come with a Surgeon General’s Warning, and I dare say that a similar warning about the potential effects of corn chips would be good information for consumers. And I am certain that it’s more honest than trying to trick people into thinking that corn deep fried in lard has some redeeming nutritional quality.

As a public service I’ve prepared a sticker to stick over the Nutritional Facts on bags of chips: “SURGEON GENERAL’S WARNING: Merely being in the same room with this product will probably make you fat. Consumption is guaranteed to make your heart explode.”

Seriously though - have I ever told you the secret to good heart health? The heart is a muscle. To prevent atrophy your heart muscle must be exercised. Now all of these “medical professionals” will try to fool you into thinking that artery plaque is a bad thing. That is utter nonsense! Arteries without plaque allow blood to flow unfettered to and fro. Such easy blood flow makes your heart weak. What you should really be shooting for are plaque-caked arteries. As long as the blood has a little bit of room to get through there, you’ll be okay. Friends, think of plaque-ridden arteries as the heart’s workout partner. It figures that the harder your heart has to work to pump blood through your self, the stronger it will be and the longer you will live!

Just in time for Christmas and especially for you, here is some holiday heart healthy advice. Mount two IV bags next to your bed. Fill one of the bags with squeeze butter and the other with nacho cheese. Each night before you fall asleep, hook up the IV bags and allow them to clog your arteries as you rest. You too can have a strong and healthy heart. Merry Christmas!