Been Caught Stealin'

Hello and welcome.

First, let me tell you about a woman I know called Jean. She is a person and she likes to eat at La Madeleine most Saturdays for breakfast. A couple of times ago, she was sitting there eating her crepes or quiche or whatever they make when, suddenly, a guy at the next table started wiggling his chair this way and that right into Jean’s table! I’m not sure why that was a pre-requisite to what was about to happen, but it was! The guy – who we’ll call “LaMont” for reasons I can’t say on account of “what does him being black have to do with the story?” - hauled off with Jean’s wallet! The next thing Jean (who is practically 55!) did was take off after LaMont! She started hollering out, “I declare! Hand back my wallet!” and “Why you!” and “Stop thief!”. The man retorted, “Say, I did not take your wallet lady.” So Jean went right on up to him and started rooting through the papier-mâché he was carrying along. She quickly found out he was hiding her stolen wallet right inside the papier-mâché! Jean snatched back the wallet, turned around, and went back inside the bistro to finish her cuisine. At a time when I would’ve been too busy crying or wetting my pants to do anything about it if it had happened to me, Jean took justice into her own hands! I don’t give a crap what Doug Llewellyn thinks about it because I’m proud to know someone who took justice into her own hands. This is a story about bravery, and, like her fellow Democrat Zell Miller, Jean is a hero to all.

Hey, what kind of a lame crook hangs out at La Madelaine?

Now I’d like to tell you a couple of other fascinating stories I know about theft, s’il vous plait.

Before Garland turned it into yet another everything’s a dollar store, there once was a Tom Thumb. The Tom Thumb sat on the major intersection of Buckingham and Garland Road. One day a huge woman went in there to swipe some beef meat. The store manager (Merv) noticed her taking the meat, but waited until she exited the building to do anything about it. Merv started after the lady and the lady took off toward the street. As she ran toward the street her speed began tapering off at an increasing rate. When Merv caught up with her he found that her loot – which had been crammed into her long underpants – had slid down her big legs forming a set of beef shackles around her ankles! I love telling this story to others!

Then there is the case of a lady called Jeanette and her son who I think is Paul. Or it could be that Paul is Jeanette’s husband and I have no idea what the name of their son is. Anyway, these are a set of people that my parents knew while I was a baby. One day after I wasn’t any longer a baby and Jeanette, Paul, and possibly somebody or other had moved away to Charlotte North Carolina, Jeanette went over to the mall. As she was going back out to the car Jeanette got mugged by a white guy who let’s call Dan Vasser. The very next day Dan decided to go shopping with Jeanette’s stolen credit card. Dan went up to the counter to buy his pants or whatever and handed the credit card to the cashier. As it turned out the cashier was Jeanette’s son! Dan Vasser went to jail! This has been a true story about justice!