Sunday, November 28, 2004

Pancakes

Here is the conversation that I had with my Mom this morning:

(Ring, ring)
L.F.: Oh boy.
(Answer)
L.F.: Hello.
Mom: What are you doing?
L.F.: Concentrating on minding my own business. What are you doing?
Mom: Well we’re thinking about having some pancakes. Do you want to come over?
L.F.: For pancakes?
Mom: Yeah.
L.F.: I don’t think so for I am studying for my test.
Mom: Why not?
L.F.: I am studying for my test.
Mom: Are you mad at me?
L.F.: Who would be mad at someone for offering me pancakes?
Mom: Well are you coming over or not?
L.F.: I just don't feel much like driving all the way over there.
Mom: (silence)
L.F.: Are you mad at me?
Mom: (silence)
L.F.: Well I better quit studying and come over there for some pancakes.
Mom: Okay, we’re having some pancakes at about 9:30.
L.F.: Okay. Bye.
Mom: Bye.

You’re probably thinking that I’m kind of a creep for talking to my Mom like that. First, you’re right – I am kind of a creep. Second, you’d just have to understand the nature of our relationship. We both tell it like it is, and, if nothing else, at least it’s honest. Meanwhile, I really like my Mom. Plus she makes good wheat germ pancakes. Did you know that a restaurant would charge you extra for the wheat germ? That’s what I learned from my Mom this morning.

It’s not typical that I get invited over there on a Sunday for some pancakes, but I think my Mom is currently concerned that I’m on the verge of assassinating myself. I started feeling blue Friday night at Barnes and Noble when it occurred to me that besides my family – who I talked to on Thursday – I hadn’t spoken to another human being who didn’t want to sell me some books or Chic-Fil-A Nuggets (12 pack) since I’d left work at noon on Wednesday. My anti-social behavior almost feels like a matter of necessity.

Last week was bad for my spirit. There was the lard ass on Northwest Highway who threw a half full bottle of Mountain Dew out his car window and into the trees during rush hour. Then – not two minutes afterward – was the Middle Eastern character who threw his burning cigarette at the car of the man in the next lane over. Then I got home and turned on the news in time to hear about the Plano Mom who elected to slice off her baby’s arms while humming songs about Jesus. (At the risk of opening up the largest conceivable can of worms, at least the Plano Mom’s behavior is excusable – she is just exercising her womanly right to choose what to do with her body (satire). Are her actions any more heinous just because her dependant child happens to exist outside instead of within? It all seems kind of like the same thing to me.) Anyway, these are the people in my neighborhood!

So I’ve been spending most of my time this Thanksgiving four day weekend sitting here on my couch. Yesterday I almost left the house. I was going to go over to Shreveport in order to test a theory I have about how to beat video poker. But – get this – my Mom forbade me from going! As you may have read, I am 31 and will turn 32 yet my Mom can tell me that I may not go to Shreveport, and I obey! I should’ve gone out of spite. I think that on Christmastime I will give her a box full of nothing but a slip of paper explaining that her gift didn’t happen on account of I didn’t have any gambling winnings with which to buy presents!

The good news, I guess, is that today I started to break out of my funk a little bit. Here’s what happened (and you already know about pancakes.)

From 4 o’clock until pancakes I read some books and studied for my test. After pancakes, I shot pool with my Dad and he took me two out of three. Then I came home and cleaned my den. Then I went over to get my sister. We went to the SPCA to see some dogs. I almost adopted one, but fortunately somebody else beat me to it. There was an adult dog there who may have been called Robbie. I should’ve adopted him, but Albert would freak out. Then I went to the Genghis Grill and ate a bunch of chickens. Now I’m getting ready to go take pictures of the houses of people who did a poor job decorating for Christmas. This will most likely be the topic of the next entry, and it will definitely make me feel happy!

Here’s hoping for a good week of people who don’t litter, smoke, or hack up their babies. I am asking each of you to try to remember to do something nice for some other people. I think acting kind is a worthwhile thing to do.