Thursday, July 14, 2005

I Sat on Some Urine

Hello from the Quail Springs Holiday Inn Express in Oklahoma City.

I used to have an insane barber. When I was very young, he was an amateur boxer. He used to challenge me to matches. As I grew larger and larger, he stopped boxing and started manufacturing homemade shotguns. He liked pointing them at me during my haircuts (these days I get my hair “styled” by a beautician). His name was John Merrick. So was the elephant man’s.

I remember a time when I first got my dog, Albert. Albert liked eating Robert’s poop (Robert was also a dog). I tried and tried to get him not to eat the poop, but he kept eating it anyhow. One day I asked the Barber John Merrick if he had any ideas for keeping Albert from eating up all of the poop. He said I shouldn’t worry about it on account of poop is just “changed food”. I thought to myself that John Merrick is right! Robert died and Albert stopped eating poop. Nowadays, Albert is fresh. I guess every cloud has a silver lining.

Anyway, upon checking into this Holiday Inn Express, I did something a little out of the ordinary by laying down on the bed without first removing the comforter. After laying around for about an hour and forty-five minutes, I decided to remove the comforter. Then I sat on the edge of the bed for a minute. Suddenly, I started feeling soggy in my pants. I reached down to where my body met the bed and it was soaked. I smelled my hand and I’ll be damned if I wasn’t sitting in a pile of somebody else’s urine!

I stood up and thought about things for a while. Then I started to almost throw up. Then I remembered that if poop is changed food, then all I’d sat in was changed drink. For a second, I almost stopped starting to throw up. Then I realized that John Merrick’s poop theory was way off. Sitting in urine is disgusting.

So I picked up the phone to call the front desk. Then I hung it up. I was afraid they’d think I was the guy who made the adult butt-sized pool of urine in the bed. I kept thinking about everything. I knew I couldn’t sleep in a toilet. I decided to call the desk…

Worker: Front desk.
Me: Hello. You probably aren’t going to believe this, and, anyway, it didn’t come out of me, but I was just relaxing on your bed when I realized I was sitting on a very large amount of urine.
Worker: (silence)
Me: It’s really gross. Somebody who isn’t me went in the bed!
Worker: You can’t be serious.
Me: I’m serious. I don’t make up stories about sitting in waste. I really don’t think I can sleep in this bed.
Worker: (silence)
Me: Do you think I could possibly move to a different room?
Worker: Yes. Come to the front desk.

I hung up and decided to account for how wet I was. When I sat in it, I was wearing my work shirt, shorts, and underpants. My shirttail was soaked through, as were my shorts and underpants. I felt my butt. It was moist. It occurred to me that, in my adult life, I’ve never had a wet butt in bed. Have you?

I went to the front desk and the lady apologized. I told her that it was okay for she was neither the one who did the urinating or the one who failed to change the sheets. I recommended that whoever “cleaned” the room be fired immediately. They moved me to a new room where I kept imagining that the new bed also had wet spots. Finally, I settled down enough to sleep albeit poorly.

What diseases can I catch from sitting in that stuff? Who would do something like that? I figure it was an old, a sicko, or the person who cleaned the room. But why would anyone leave the bed in such a mess? I think it’s pretty weird.

People wonder whether I’m going to ask for compensation. I tell people that I don’t yet want anything. If they give me my room for free, they’re really giving the government (who pays for my room) the room for free. But the government didn’t sit on the urine. I did! I’m going to write a letter to the Holiday Inn once I go home. What do you think they should give me?


Blogger Bean said...

Perhaps they could give you some "points"? I've only got a vague idea of what "points" are, as I have never [stayed in a hotel / flown the same airline / rented the same brand of rental car] enough to warrant joining their programs, but I bet they'd be more likely to give you something like that than something like, say, money or a new car.

Also, I believe that urine is sterile, unless the pee'er has a urinary tract infection or blood in their pee. Poop, though, is not sterile.

Glad to see the blog back in action! Hope your journey from rock bottom is good for you and that the related stories are good for the rest of us!

9:50 AM  
Blogger Tara said...

Glad you are back! Sorry about the pee. Looking forward to hearing about sword-fighting and Styx concerts.

3:35 PM  
Blogger Julie said...

That is nasty- I stayed at a Holiday Inn Express last week and the comforter looked to have pee stains on it too- that is the first thing to go in the corner of the room- never to return to the bed again.

4:12 PM  
Anonymous bigD said...

The last thing I do before I leave a hotel room is to pee on as much stuff as my bladder will allow.

I've never been to oklahomo or any of it's cities, so you didn't sit in my pee.

9:19 AM  
Blogger Robert_M said...

They should give you a free night or somesuch. I'm sure at a minimum you'll get free continental breakfast out of the deal.

9:42 AM  
Anonymous corbin said...

i'd straight up tell them that giving you this room for free does you no good, so you'd rather have a voucher for free holiday inn express or any of their hotels for that matter, anywhere in the country (or at least lower 48)

3:40 PM  
Blogger Bleach n Sheets said...

Glad to have you back as well. I haven't laughed that hard while reading in a while.

After We get word of this blog out, so many people are going to know about this specific Holiday Inn that it might have to be closed. I suggest you place the address and room number on your blog. I bet in a year we see some sort of Travel Channel show on the pee bed Hotel being shut down by the information super highway.

6:35 PM  
Blogger Bleach n Sheets said...

You say that these are "Fabricated Adventures", but I believe that most are true. What say you?

11:16 AM  
Anonymous Alan said...

Even if urine is just "changed drink", what if it's a drink you don't like. I mean, I despise pepsi, so I would think that sitting in pepsi - changed or not - would make me really sick.

6:13 PM  
Anonymous mold test kit said...

Warning...Warning.. Safety Tip of the WEEK...If you are having problems with colds and sickness in your home and you live in a moist wet ares of the country. Then you might want a mold test kit .. If you see black dust looking stuff on your walls or around your bathtub,shower or sink then you probaly have a mold problem and need to get a mold test kit . Dont panic and think you need to get a mold test kit right away. You can use bleach to clean it up with some paper tools and then dispose of the towels a trash bag. If you need some more info visit .. I hope you have a safe and sickness free home...

7:16 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Enjoyed the blog - cheap business class flight. A new site has been launched with plenty of bargain holidays to choose from. Bookmark not just for bargain holidays but for flights and transport to and from airports plus travel insurance deals and holiday clothes.

2:19 PM  

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