Saturday, May 07, 2005

Bearded Theories

If you are an old time reader of this blog or if you have had to be around me in person for too long, you probably already know my following two bearded adult theories:

* Beard Theories
1. Good luck ever finding a bearded adult riding in the back seat of a car.
2. You'll rarely see a bearded jogger.

I'd like to qualify my theories as follows:
* Qualifications
a. The beard can't belong to a person who looks like they listen to Soundgarden or similar.
b. A qualifying beard must have beard/sideburn connection. GOATEES DO NOT COUNT!
c. There is an inverse relationship between the degree of cheek coverage and the probability of finding an example of either 1. or 2.. (e.g., the more cheek the beard takes up the less likely the adult has ever ridden in the back seat of a car or jogged.)
d. The further a beard comes away from the head the less likely the bearded one has ridden in the back seat of a car or jogged.
e. Beards in the back seat of mass transportation do not count!
f. Beards playing softball or some other sport do not count for the jogging theory. Jogging is the sport where you won't see the beard.
g. Beards on black people don't count for the jogging theory. Black men are willing to jog in their beards.

I am offering surprises to anyone who can provide photographic evidence of exceptions to my theories. However, you may not orchestrate an episode of bearded jogging or riding in the back seat.

While in New Orleans, we (Donna, Gina, and I) went over to the piano bar at Pat O'Brien's. There were two examples of classic beards in there. One of them came on a guy who was roundish, bald, and professor-looking. The other belonged to a poofey 50 something called Don.

Both of the bearded men said that they either currently or formerly jogged in their beards and that they actively ride in the back of cars. Gina said that my theories are blown. I said that my theory was that you never SEE examples of bearded jogging/riding in the back of cars, and that any bearded person who jogs or rides in the back of a car does so either in disguise or under the cloak of darkness. My theories are good!

Gina took my picture with the bearded Don. He was an awfully good sport about all of our beard questions. He even acquiesced when I asked, "May I touch your beard?"

Would people watch a television show called "May I Touch Your Beard?"? It would have me interviewing beardeds and finishing up with, "May I touch your beard?". Half the time the segments would end with me feeling beards. Half the time it would end with me having my ass kicked.

What about this - a TV show called "The Bearded Swimmer"? He (I) would shave all of his (my)body hair ala a swimmer. However, he (I) would have a fantastic beard! He (I) would do all of the things you've ever wanted to see a massively bearded guy do (including swimming), but can't since it doesn't happen. The Bearded Swimmer would swim, jog, ride around in the back seat of the car, tap dance, eat salad, tie his shoes, drink milk, cry, make sandwiches, and whisper.

What does anyone else have to say about all of this beard business?

34 Comments:

Blogger Tara said...

I don't really know any bearded people except Jesus and Santa Claus. I am pretty sure Jesus went swimming, and that Santa whispers and drinks milk, but I don't know for sure. I would watch the show, but it sounds like more of a regular feature on Conan O'Brian than a whole show. Maybe you should submit your idea to NBC.

4:52 PM  
Blogger K. said...

Interesting theory! I will keep my eyes peeled for bearded joggers. Perhaps the extra wind resistance discourages them.

Do Hasidic Jewish beards count? If so, I bet you could find a counter-example to your theory riding in the back seat of a taxi somewhere in NYC.

On a related topic, there have been studies about the correlation between beards and presidential politics:

http://explorers.whyte.com/presbeards.htm

-K.

12:02 PM  
Blogger Robert_M said...

I'd like to report a sighting. At the corner of Arapaho and Preston on the 10th of May 2005. The suspect is a young Caucasian male in his early twenties seen jogging in an easterly direction on the north side of Arapaho. His beard however was a close cropped metro sexual giJoe style, so he may not count.

2:43 PM  
Blogger Larry Feathers said...

Hi Rob. The guy you saw falls into a gray area. I suspect his reason for having a beard is not in the same spirit as other more traditional beardeds.

So I'm not sure that he counts. But thanks for keeping your eyes open for beards! Be sure to let me and others know if you see anything else.

9:10 PM  
Anonymous m3 said...

please define "adult"

thanks!

10:11 AM  
Blogger tschy said...

How unfortunate. I spent a good hour riding around in cabs in New York City just an hour ago. I could have been on the outlook for a bearded Jewish man in a cab. Larry – can you provide some clarification on “mass transportation?” I’m not sure how to classify a cab. In NYC, you can only put 4 people in a cab (5 if it’s a mini-van). I don’t think that qualifies as “mass.” I’ll also keep my eyes posted in south-central Illinois. I’ll bet I can find an Amish man with a beard riding in the back seat of a horse drawn buggy/carriage – does that count? I actually saw a guy like this selling fudge in front of the Big Lots a week ago…guess I should have snapped a picture.

1:15 PM  
Blogger Jenny said...

If I recall, Nick Mayrath CPA has a beard and was known to have jogged one day in the year 2001. Don't you remember him announcing it in the bull pen?

6:04 PM  
Anonymous corbin said...

Tom Hanks jogged in Forrest Gump, several times across the country. Well, actually he was run-ning, but you get the idea.

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Dear sir,

I wear a disgusting free-form beard, and I also jog after midnight. What is excellent is to run in winter and return with the beard full of frost.

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