Saturday, May 07, 2005

Bearded Theories

If you are an old time reader of this blog or if you have had to be around me in person for too long, you probably already know my following two bearded adult theories:

* Beard Theories
1. Good luck ever finding a bearded adult riding in the back seat of a car.
2. You'll rarely see a bearded jogger.

I'd like to qualify my theories as follows:
* Qualifications
a. The beard can't belong to a person who looks like they listen to Soundgarden or similar.
b. A qualifying beard must have beard/sideburn connection. GOATEES DO NOT COUNT!
c. There is an inverse relationship between the degree of cheek coverage and the probability of finding an example of either 1. or 2.. (e.g., the more cheek the beard takes up the less likely the adult has ever ridden in the back seat of a car or jogged.)
d. The further a beard comes away from the head the less likely the bearded one has ridden in the back seat of a car or jogged.
e. Beards in the back seat of mass transportation do not count!
f. Beards playing softball or some other sport do not count for the jogging theory. Jogging is the sport where you won't see the beard.
g. Beards on black people don't count for the jogging theory. Black men are willing to jog in their beards.

I am offering surprises to anyone who can provide photographic evidence of exceptions to my theories. However, you may not orchestrate an episode of bearded jogging or riding in the back seat.

While in New Orleans, we (Donna, Gina, and I) went over to the piano bar at Pat O'Brien's. There were two examples of classic beards in there. One of them came on a guy who was roundish, bald, and professor-looking. The other belonged to a poofey 50 something called Don.

Both of the bearded men said that they either currently or formerly jogged in their beards and that they actively ride in the back of cars. Gina said that my theories are blown. I said that my theory was that you never SEE examples of bearded jogging/riding in the back of cars, and that any bearded person who jogs or rides in the back of a car does so either in disguise or under the cloak of darkness. My theories are good!

Gina took my picture with the bearded Don. He was an awfully good sport about all of our beard questions. He even acquiesced when I asked, "May I touch your beard?"

Would people watch a television show called "May I Touch Your Beard?"? It would have me interviewing beardeds and finishing up with, "May I touch your beard?". Half the time the segments would end with me feeling beards. Half the time it would end with me having my ass kicked.

What about this - a TV show called "The Bearded Swimmer"? He (I) would shave all of his (my)body hair ala a swimmer. However, he (I) would have a fantastic beard! He (I) would do all of the things you've ever wanted to see a massively bearded guy do (including swimming), but can't since it doesn't happen. The Bearded Swimmer would swim, jog, ride around in the back seat of the car, tap dance, eat salad, tie his shoes, drink milk, cry, make sandwiches, and whisper.

What does anyone else have to say about all of this beard business?


Blogger Tara said...

I don't really know any bearded people except Jesus and Santa Claus. I am pretty sure Jesus went swimming, and that Santa whispers and drinks milk, but I don't know for sure. I would watch the show, but it sounds like more of a regular feature on Conan O'Brian than a whole show. Maybe you should submit your idea to NBC.

4:52 PM  
Blogger K. said...

Interesting theory! I will keep my eyes peeled for bearded joggers. Perhaps the extra wind resistance discourages them.

Do Hasidic Jewish beards count? If so, I bet you could find a counter-example to your theory riding in the back seat of a taxi somewhere in NYC.

On a related topic, there have been studies about the correlation between beards and presidential politics:


12:02 PM  
Blogger Robert_M said...

I'd like to report a sighting. At the corner of Arapaho and Preston on the 10th of May 2005. The suspect is a young Caucasian male in his early twenties seen jogging in an easterly direction on the north side of Arapaho. His beard however was a close cropped metro sexual giJoe style, so he may not count.

2:43 PM  
Blogger Larry Feathers said...

Hi Rob. The guy you saw falls into a gray area. I suspect his reason for having a beard is not in the same spirit as other more traditional beardeds.

So I'm not sure that he counts. But thanks for keeping your eyes open for beards! Be sure to let me and others know if you see anything else.

9:10 PM  
Anonymous m3 said...

please define "adult"


10:11 AM  
Blogger tschy said...

How unfortunate. I spent a good hour riding around in cabs in New York City just an hour ago. I could have been on the outlook for a bearded Jewish man in a cab. Larry – can you provide some clarification on “mass transportation?” I’m not sure how to classify a cab. In NYC, you can only put 4 people in a cab (5 if it’s a mini-van). I don’t think that qualifies as “mass.” I’ll also keep my eyes posted in south-central Illinois. I’ll bet I can find an Amish man with a beard riding in the back seat of a horse drawn buggy/carriage – does that count? I actually saw a guy like this selling fudge in front of the Big Lots a week ago…guess I should have snapped a picture.

1:15 PM  
Blogger Jenny said...

If I recall, Nick Mayrath CPA has a beard and was known to have jogged one day in the year 2001. Don't you remember him announcing it in the bull pen?

6:04 PM  
Anonymous corbin said...

Tom Hanks jogged in Forrest Gump, several times across the country. Well, actually he was run-ning, but you get the idea.

7:40 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Online Casinos tyuueooru - Online Casino Gambling
Play wherever and whenever you want The best thing about online casino is that you don?t have to visit your local casino in order to meet your gambling desire.
[url=]Online Casinos[/url]
On the other side, people seem to be more interested in participating in online casino compared to land-based casinos.
Online Casino Bonus
All you need to is a well operating computer and an Internet connection and you?re done with your gambling.

1:31 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Interesting article you got here. I'd like to read more about that matter. Thnx for sharing that info.
Sexy Lady
Asian Escort

4:58 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

dating failure stories [url=]parents against teenage dating[/url] youth dating prayer spiritual singles

12:22 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

london dating [url=]free dating sim games[/url] internet dating sites tim tebow dating

10:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Damn I was going to buy a new Hummer in late 2012 and drive around the country for a vacation, Now I am going to have to shave my head and join the Hari.s, Muslims, Jews, Jehovah s, Mormons, Christians, and a few other wing nut groups just to cover all my bases.
]mayan calendar 2012
[/url] - some truth about 2012

10:39 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear sir,

I wear a disgusting free-form beard, and I also jog after midnight. What is excellent is to run in winter and return with the beard full of frost.

11:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...
[url=]accc drug bulletin[/url] place to get help with drugs in ont [url=]differin side effects[/url]
drugs and alcohol myspace layouts
[url=]arizona laws drugs[/url] teens abusing drugs [url=]duloxetine oral doses[/url]
molly drug
[url=]statisics on teen drug use[/url] woman viagra [url=]alfuzosin[/url] longs drug store highway 50 carson city [url=]prednisone diphenhydramine dog[/url]

3:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...
[url=]drug dealing just to get by stack your[/url] side effects of the drug crank [url=]cardizem and stroke[/url]
donor organizations for molecular medicine research support
[url=]how to prevent drug abuse[/url] drug allergies treatment [url=]erythromycin canine[/url]
hoving garrison drug
[url=]drug tests for welfare[/url] saliva drug screen swab [url=]etidronate[/url] viagra buying online [url=]exelon nuclear shortlist of texas towns[/url]

4:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...
[url=]cia mind control congress drugs[/url] national board certification exam for pharmacy assistants [url=]drugstore chains and valuation metrics[/url]
no prescription required online pharmacy
[url=]drug norvasc norbeck[/url] uptown health centre in toronto ontario [url=]tramadol cheap overseas[/url]
darrell goodman drug bust new orleans la
[url=]levitra mexico[/url] cpt code 99605 pharmacy service [url=]rosuvastatin and anemia[/url] mexican drugstores online [url=]procardia xl 30 mg kremers urban generic[/url]

5:59 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

boat travel groups manitoba travel directions to indiana university assembly hall
[url=]flairview travel rome[/url] tca travel [url=]airline ticket compare[/url]
travel jobs in europe for polysomnographer
[url=]air travel to las vagas[/url] toronto to whistler travel packages [url=]map driving directions[/url]
travel quebec travel channel extreme christmas [url=]hp gps navigation system maps[/url]

1:44 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

pebble beach amateur cut
[url=]sexy couples pictures[/url] blue blake gay porn [url=]pissing out of a window[/url]
can an adult have mild autism
[url=]sexy vibrators[/url] sexy outfits 4 kids that want 2 make the guys fuck them [url=]amanda bynes xxx[/url]
city of renton and adult businesses
[url=]super dildo fucking[/url] realistic dildo 6 inch [url=]teens who verbally abuse their girlfriends[/url]
sexy beach dress up
[url=]virgin lolitas 4u[/url] flash free game hentai sex [url=]what are some things that teens are pressured into doing[/url]

10:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

adult dickin
[url=]adult shops in louis polokwane[/url] hindu sexy girl [url=]gay priest policy in the usa[/url]
sexy blonde gilrs getting fucked in the pussy nice ass
[url=]adult costume plus size[/url] sexual positions anal [url=]printable moms bday cards[/url]
hot xxx blogs
[url=]normal color of adult human bowel movement[/url] adult flash rpg [url=]solo porn men masturbating[/url]
tales of symphonia byunn byunn 5 hentai
[url=]kim koel sexy[/url] adult male french bulldog [url=]gay pron clips[/url]

1:44 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

free adult private pic galleries
[url=]lucy lawless adult movies[/url] adult video engine sifuni [url=]orgasm induce patient[/url]
xxx lesbian milf fisting
[url=]adult head injury assessment protocol[/url] twins porn fantasy [url=]anal sex feels like[/url]
sexy hot teen girl video clip
[url=]african girls sex anal[/url] miami adult book stores [url=]second language adult[/url]
bet granny porn site ever
[url=]lesbian anal strapon[/url] teen cartoon porn [url=]thong bathingsuits[/url]

8:08 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

endangered species club komodo movie [url=]Blind Dating[/url] lesbian movie previews [url=]Hannibal Rising[/url]
next the movie [url=]VIDEO TS[/url] peing movie [url=]Transporter 2 Uncut[/url]
holloween movie [url=]Evolution[/url] nero movie player [url=]The Lake House[/url]
halloween movie local times [url=]Clerks II[/url] who invented the first movie [url=]Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull[/url]

3:32 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

old fashioned and tomato pie old fashioned dress shirts [url=]womens affordable wide width shoes[/url] choo shoes cocktail shoes [url=]lauren velez[/url]

12:43 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

unlimited health gfor canis canem edit ps2 [url=]famvir[/url] corvalen yeast infection
occupational cervicobrachial disorder [url=]himcolin[/url] medical alarm bands [url= ]caffeine in green tea [/url] chronic clinical depression
national health act 1977 [url=]digoxin[/url] leg hair loss
ortho novum mexican pharmacy [url=]fosamax[/url] pet services in medicine lodge ks kansas [url= ]medical units in wwii [/url] victorian medicine

12:30 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

womens silver spining shoes pearl izumi interior designers [url=]i da silva fashion[/url] kellys shoes mango clothes [url=]mosers shoes in peoria il[/url]

11:04 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

fashion design courses dallas rockport shoes [url=]joey lauren adams[/url] big man athletic shoes modest clothes shopping for girls [url=]online outlet clothes shopping[/url]

5:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

how has manned space travel improved since 2004 last minute travel special
[url=]visa requirement for travel to the philippines[/url] requesting a free travel planner [url=]disneyland new year ticket[/url]
travel time vancouver to vancouver island
[url=]fun2bwithpilot network active photos travel profile man[/url] pevonia botanica rosacea skincare travel kit [url=]nude cruise motorhomes[/url]
travel stores brussels review travel wizard [url=]disneyland p11876[/url]

2:16 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

travel trade magazine cultural travel italy
[url=]rail travel thailand[/url] travel british like [url=]duchess inn nc[/url]
how to make time travel
[url=]best wilderness travel companies[/url] german travel alarm clock [url=]find cheap vacation packages to santa fe new mexico[/url]
cheapest travel ireland rosebowl travel packages [url=]fira santorini car rental[/url]

9:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

tx lottery free way keno
[url=]positioning strategy of itc bingo vs fritolay kurkurre[/url] minnesota casinos with highest payouts [url=]baccarat book casino game guest[/url]
football betting lines
[url=]missuuri lottery gesults[/url] teacher bingo card maker [url=]odds for slots[/url]
casinos florida md state lottery pick 3 [url=]shower curtains that have either playing cards or chips[/url]

8:16 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

ho chuck casino south carolina state lottery home page
[url=]rochester new york casinos[/url] time esl bingo [url=]tuscany casino[/url]
blackbear casino
[url=]online keno game online[/url] gambling tattoos [url=]black hawk colorado casinos[/url]
bonuses baccarat web casino california indian casino gaming propositions [url=]western saloon playing cards[/url]

6:38 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

buffalo grove movie theathers [url=]more to love[/url] star trek voyager movie foot worship movie
movie brainerd minnesota [url=]linewatch[/url] heathers the movie free bukkake movie
horror movie spiders push staircase [url=]nights in rodanthe[/url] arena district movie
kamen rider movie download megaupload [url=]atonement[/url] great escape movie theater12792976456751557576 ghost rider full movie
ratatouille movie poster [url=]super capers[/url] unafficial updates for windows movie maker english version naruto movie download

1:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

die hard 4 movie download [url=]mad max 2[/url] fact about happy feet movie denton movie tavern
utorrent movie download letter from iwo jima [url=]mousehunt[/url] cambridge center movie theatre saving private ryan movie
salisbury md movie theaters [url=]secret agent[/url] adult 3gp movie
independent movie theaters washington dc [url=]babylon 5 the river of souls[/url] dhani harrison across the universe movie end of the halloween movie
back to school movie [url=]extreme ops[/url] blowjob movie melanie xxx movie post tgp

3:49 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

jodi foster movie [url=]her cardboard lover[/url] into the wild movie utah release movie stay hungry
skin movie clips [url=]the cake eaters[/url] animated gif the fly movie help me amc movie theater in new jersey
actors played in the movie love actually [url=]freaked[/url] free cum swallow movie thumb galleries
divx movie download [url=]stargate sg 1[/url] catfights sample movie compass movie
rat race movie cast [url=]black robe[/url] sapphiric erotica movie clips movie download wit

9:29 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

this is y im hot music video [url=]Red Clay[/url] lrics for music downloadable hiphop music
spooky music sound effects [url=]Randy and Pseudo[/url] wingert jones music murray grand sheet music
chronological classical music [url=]Asystematik[/url] music cube open source
where can i find sheet music to print out [url=]Chris Punk[/url] popular music sites public domain sheet music christmas free
anime mp3 free music downloads [url=]Rebelution[/url] download a free music studio oshama jpop music

9:22 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home