Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Nachos and The Pope

The first things I remember being happy about upon moving to Texas were nachos. We moved from Indiana in 1979, and, at the time, Indiana didn’t have nachos. Because of Mexicans, I bet Texas has always had nachos. The first Mexicans didn’t settle in Indiana until around 1990. Now they are all over the place!

People say that the Mexicans’ greatest invention is the nacho. I say nachos are practically any kind of people’s greatest invention. Here is a list of some really important inventions:
1. Earth
2. Wheels
3. Space
4. Nachos
5. Skin

I can remember sitting in elementary school when the only thing that got me through the day was the prospect of an after school snack of nachos over at BILL Harland’s house. Bill had a really deep voice. His wife was Jacque. She made the nachos and had toe surgery. The son was David and he liked planets. There was a daughter called Kathy. She listened to Men At Work all the time. Jacque knew exactly how much cheese to put on the nachos, and how long they needed to cook in the microwave. She also pronounced Target like this - /tar’ jhays/.

The other day while I was thinking about The Pope, I started thinking that he has almost certainly never had nachos. I think that’s a shame. I had a hard time coming up with things The Pope can eat. Here is a game. I’m going to list some foods, and you get to guess whether The Pope gets to eat it. If I had a way to tally all responses, I bet they’d come out pretty similar. Here are the things that The Pope may or may not eat:

Salad, Cube Steak, Popsicles, Baked Potatoes, Frosting, Nachos, Pot Roast, Eggs, Fried Chicken, Miscellaneous, Mutton, Bread, Blood, Meatloaf, Teddy Grahams, and Salt.

Here’s a clue: THE POPE GETS TO EAT NINE OF THE ITEMS ON THE LIST, AND ONE OF THEM IS NOT POPSICLES.

Here’s the solution in webdings (you’ll need to decipher it by putting it in Word and translating back into American). Salad, Cube Steak, Pot Roast, Miscellaneous, Mutton, Bread, Blood, Meatloaf, and Salt

Recently The Pope had some true things to say about the Muslims. Now some of the Muslims want to kill The Pope (which kind of proves The Pope’s point). The whole thing plus nachos gives me a solution to all of the world’s problems:

Let’s put all of the world leaders down at a table and force them to eat nachos with one another. I don’t know about you, but I can’t remember ever fighting with anyone during nachos. It might not even be possible. People like eating nachos together.

I’m tired, but I have a question. If I were to write a series of illustrated stories called “Adventures of The Pope”, would it be offensive? I wouldn’t have him doing anything immoral. Instead, I would just stick him in unPopish situations. For examples:
1. The Pope Goes to Wet ‘N Wild.
2. The Pope Gets his Pope Teeth Cleaned
3. The Pope Surfs
4. The Pope in Garland
5. The Pope Eats Gravy
6. The Pope’s Body Does Somersaults
7. The Pope Visits a Hot Dog Factory
8. The Pope Gets a Perm
9. The Pope Makes Sausage

Please let me hear your ideas now.

18 Comments:

Blogger Tara said...

1. There could be an adventure where the only two empty seats on the Dart rail are next LarryFeathers or the Pope.

2. The Pope grills out
3. The Pope mows his lawn
4. The Pope goes rollerblading at the lake

Question: Does the Pope wear his Pope hat during all these adventures?

I'll be thinking about this all day.

Jacque also made brownie-like things called "hermits" that were good.

12:28 PM  
Blogger tschy said...

While I cannot verify this, I believe that nachos may have existed in Indiana in 1979. Taco Bell has been around since the 60’s, though I can neither verify that nachos were a menu item in 1979, nor if a Taco Bell existed in Indiana in 1979.

Was Bill Harland a neighbor of Robbie Tylicki? Or so the Harland’s live in Texas. I love to hear Tylicki stories.

I don’t think the Pope can eat something called “miscellaneous” – nor would I. I do think he can eat Fried Chicken. Not sure about Eggs. And Blood…I think in a technical sense this is true because during communion at mass, the wine is he blood of Christ. On the other hand, I don’t think he does much drinking of blood that started out as blood (as opposed to starting out as wine).

I think the Pope Goes to the Wet ‘N Wild might be a little too racy….especially if 1) he participates, or 2) the crew from Girls Gone Wild is shooting there that day.

As for Nachos, you should get to know this guy: http://nachoexpert.blogspot.com/. And there is a great history of Nachos here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nachos

1:34 PM  
Anonymous rush said...

sometimes there is fighting for the last nacho.

3:08 PM  
Blogger Tara said...

The Pope watches Good Times.

The Pope works out at Curves.

The Pope rides a Big Wheel.

4:14 PM  
Blogger Julie said...

Love the Pope ideas- how about- the pope babysits for the Ozbournes- when they were younger of course.

9:57 PM  
Blogger Tara said...

The Pope plays Atari

The Pope pays some bills

The Pope has a garage sale

The Pope practices his trombone

10:10 PM  
Blogger Bleach n Sheets said...

The Pope is on "Dancing with the Stars".

The Pope uses a weedeater.

Pogo-Pope

9:46 AM  
Blogger fooiemcgoo said...

The pope eats a sno-cone.

The pope does the wave at a cubs game.

The pope buys a slushy and a zagnut at a gas station.

The pope eats a TV-dinner and watches "Cheers".

The pope reads "Glamor".

The pope giggles and braids hair with little girls at a slumber party.

The pope does jumping jacks.

The pope snuggles with his stuffed elephant.

9:21 AM  
Blogger fooiemcgoo said...

I am getting nachos for lunch today from taco bell because of you.

10:12 AM  
Blogger Tara said...

The Pope visits New Albany:

The Pope sits outside the Zesto with a chili dog and a malt.

The Pope goes down the tornado slide at community park. Then he goes to Safety Town.

The Pope plays on the turtles at the Greentree mall.

The Pope orders from the White Castle drive-thru.

The Pope goes to the baseball field consession stand and buys a ring pop and a medium suicide.

The Pope hangs out with Bob over in the Tylicky's front yard.

3:35 PM  
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11:20 AM  
Blogger Bleach n Sheets said...

I had to look at that drawing of Plaul ever day for half a year! If I have to look at that picture of nachos for any amount of time close to that...I am sending a box to your work. You already know what will be inside.

4:58 PM  
Blogger DAVID HAAS said...

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I have a question about your blog. Please email me!
Thanks,
David

2:31 PM  
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