Wednesday, August 10, 2005


I’ve been meaning to write, but I just can’t think of anything else to say. There’s only so much stuff to put.

Put <-- I think that’s a funny word. Say this: "put put put put put put". Now that’s fun! "Put put put". Swing!

When I was too small to defend myself, my sister used to drive me through construction zones. She made me play a game called “Barrel”. The rule was that if I didn’t say “barrel” each time we passed a barrel (and there are numerous barrels in construction zones), she’d haul off and punch me right on the fat.

When I got big enough to drive, I put my sister in the car and told her we were going out for a game of “Weed”.

Speaking of relatives who did mean things to me when I was little…

Sometimes my cousin Tony reads this blog. I wonder if he remembers the time he put Preparation H on my toothbrush when we were spending the night at my grandma’s house. It’s weird to think that my grandma must have had some hemorrhoids. In the bathroom with the Preparation H, she also had some goopity goop goop called Dippity Do. People used Dippity Do in their hairdos. After I finished brushing my teeth with hemorrhoid cream, Tony and I took turns playing the Card Sharks bonus round. I had fun back then. But not anymore!

Does the H in Preparation H stands for “hemorrhoid”? Of all the things to prepare, I can’t imagine why you’d ever need to prepare a hemorrhoid. I wouldn’t even know where to begin.

I know a guy named Chet. He recently had several surgeries including adult tonsil removal. I bet he’s also had hemorrhoids. It seems Chet set the world’s record for biggest tonsils. According to Chet they weighed four pounds! Some midgets don’t even weigh that much.

The other day, my friend (who is quite brilliant) – let’s call her Gertie - issued the following two statements:
1. “Fat’s what makes everything good.”
2. “Bulls are big.”
Who could argue? The best part is that she wasn’t even trying to be funny.

I really must work to perfect the technology for the customized See N Say. As you may recall from childhood, this is the toy with a dial in the middle and barnyard animals around the circumference. You put the dial on the pig (for example), pulled the string, and the machine went “Pigs say, ‘Oink, oink, oink’.” I’d make a See N Say with Gertie's head on the dial. It would go, “Gertie says, ‘(insert funny statement)’”.

Tomorrow is my sister’s birthday. She’s going to be 37! I can’t believe she’s that old. Way to go, Tara! You did it!

I guess I need to figure out what to give her. It seems like she’s constantly asking for “a good cookie sheet”. Either we are bad at buying good cookie sheets or she is bad at cookies because my parents and I have made gift-giving careers out of supplying her with good cookie sheets.

From what I understand from people, the secret to good cookies may be something called “parchment paper”. They say you can put parchment paper on even a crummy cookie sheet (crummy meaning bad; not crummy meaning crumby), and the cookies will come out perfect (that is, they would be neither crummy nor crumby)!

Apparently parchment paper is on the same aisle as wax paper and plastic wrap. The other day I found out that plastic wrap let’s off cancer and you shouldn’t use it to cover up your leftovers.

What fun would it be if I made origami out of parchment paper? I could rub dough on the origami and turn it into a swan cookie (or something). These would be some fancy cookies. It would be neat to have a store called “Fancy Cookies by Larry”. I’d also offer fondue. Others would like me and wonder if I’m gay.

As this is clearly going nowhere, I’m going to go away until I get some better material. This has been crap.