Thursday, April 29, 2004

The Lisa Chronicles - Chapter 4 (written by special contributor "Alan")

“Lisa” met “Connie” for happy hour today, and once again the bartender already started to make the drinks without “Lisa” saying what she wanted, she even brags about this to “Connie”. All the flirting “Lisa” did with the bartender during the week seems to have paid off. “Lisa” had her usual 3 drinks at the complimentary happy hour, and then several more when she went out afterwards with “Connie”. “Lisa” decided to not eat dinner tonight, instead she just drank. While “Lisa” and “Connie” were out, “Lisa” tried to convince “Connie” that all the stories in the Chronicles are complete lies. “Lisa” does a good job of this, as anybody that does not know her well believes she is nice, sweet and innocent. Those of us that work with her everyday, know she is not and know the Chronicles are true. “Lisa” comes stumbling back to the hotel around 11:00. The only reason I know this is because she was drunk and bumped into my door and the wall several times, waking me up. At least she didn't call me this time to tell me about some guy she met.

Wednesday, April 28, 2004

The Lisa Chronicles - Chapter 3 (written by special contributor "Alan")

The day didn't really get interesting until lunch. We went to a fast food restaurant near the office and got the food to go. As usual “Lisa: had to make a complex special order. When we get back to the office, she realized that they got the order wrong and put mustard on the hamburger. Yes, she actually ordered a hamburger. Anyway, since the mustard was only on one side of the bun, she eats the hamburger open face and throws away half the bun. The afternoon at the office was uneventful, but the real fun started when “Lisa” headed back to the bar for complimentary happy hour. By now the bartender knows her and already starts making her drink as she walks up without ordering. She proceeds to drink faster than she did Monday night. By the time she finishes her third drink in twenty minutes, she begins to laugh uncontrollably and has a huge smile on her face. She claims to not be drunk and continues to mention how good the drinks are. She begins drink number four, but it is not going down as fast because she's trying not to pass out in the chair. At this point Larry Feathers calls and she proceeds to tell Feathers all about her date last night. She then accuses me of telling Larry about it, before finding out that I said nothing and she was tricked into telling Larry herself. She's quiet upset at this point and very drunk, thus causing her to not be able to control the obscene gestures she's giving me in the middle of the hotel lobby. By now I'm embarrassed to be seen with her, luckily “Gertie” shows up with her baby and I'm temporarily saved. For some reason I end up taking her to dinner and we go to a deli near the hotel. “Lisa” asks the waitress what comes on the Turkey sandwich, to which the waitress replies just bread and turkey. Thinking this is okay “Lisa” orders it, only to complain when she gets it that it is to dry and she really wants condiments on it. I'm totally confused by this statement, since she normally takes everything off the sandwich, but I figure she's drunk and doesn't know what she's saying. I'm also convinced that no matter what she orders to eat, she cannot be pleased. I drop “Lisa” off at the hotel and I go to visit my parents, so at this point I don't know if she went back to the bar and met any other men, but I will find out tomorrow as she likes to brag about that.

To be continued...

Tuesday, April 27, 2004

The Lisa Chronicles - Chapter 2 continued (written by special contributor "Alan")

“Lisa” finishes her date and can't wait to tell me all about it. As I'm returning to the hotel from a quick trip to the store, she's waiting at the elevator to tell me all about what a great guy he was. She proceeds to tell me that he's a millionaire and offered to fly her out to California and that she ended the date with a goodnight kiss. Later that night, well after I had gone to sleep, “Lisa” calls me oblivious to the fact that people are asleep at midnight. She says the guy called her room and left her a message, again she seems to be bragging about this. As I'm half asleep I really can't recall everything that she said, but a few things I remember are her saying she felt bad about meeting the guy because of “Lance” and at one point she referred to “Lance” as her boyfriend. That must of been the alcohol talking, because as we all know, they are just friends. I finally hang up on her and go back to sleep despite her banging on the wall to keep me awake, as our rooms are next to each other.

The Lisa Chronicles - Chapter 2 (written by special contributor "Alan")

Tuesday morning it's 60 degrees, “Lisa” refers to the weather as freezing.* I try to turn the air conditioner on in my car or roll the windows down but “Lisa” and “Mildred” both yell at me because they're cold. At the office, “Lisa” and “Gertie” go to talk to our contact and return laughing. Apparently an employee was walking with them and telling them about a wreck he was in, at which he bends his finger backward to touch his arm. “Lisa” claims this is gross and that it is nothing like what she can do.** At lunch, “Lisa” confused the waiter so bad he got her order wrong twice, and was never able to completely get it right. Apparently she can't order a sandwich and take off what she doesn't like, which is everything. After lunch we go to the Austin office where “Lisa” just went crazy. As “Lisa” is at “Manager Y’s” desk trying to do her timesheet, a spider crawled on the desk and “Lisa” couldn't finish until I got the spider off the desk. Once “Lisa” walks out of “Manager Y’s” office she finds that the entire office has been decorated with her pictures. Naturally she immediately blames Larry Feathers, even though Mister Larry Feathers is 200 miles away and could have nothing to do with this. She proceeds to take all the pictures down, including the one above the fax of her asleep at Shreveport. I stop her and put the picture back up, “Myrtle” tells her to leave their artwork alone and I nominate her for Vickie of the Month for destroying the Austin office.*** For dinner we go to The County Line, one of the best barbeque restaurants I've ever been to. “Lisa” is upset that the only side items are beans, potato salad and cole slaw. She can't believe they don't have fries. She orders an appetizer of a 1/2 pound of sausage and bread. The dinner arrives and “Lisa” unrolls half the paper towels on the table and begins to wipe all the barbeque sauce off the sausage. After she gets all the sauce off and goes through one roll of paper towels, she puts 3 small slices of sausage on a large slice of bread and that is all she ate, leaving a plate full of sausage. The entire meal she complains that she should have ordered turkey. The best part of dinner was when the little kid sitting next to us gets a bag of potato chips with his dinner, this really upsets “Lisa” because she wanted a kids meal. Now that we're back to the hotel, “Lisa” calls me bragging that some guy just tried to pick her up when she went back down to the bar for another drink. I'm not sure the point of the call, but she says she's going back down to the bar to meet this guy and have another drink.

To be continued...

*”Lisa” is iron deficient. I recently nearly died of heat exhaustion. Right before the paramedics arrived to take care of me, I made it over to the thermostat which was set at “HEAT, OVERRIDE, 86”. It was 75 degrees outside at the time! You could literally see an orange glow shining through the heat vents. Yet “Lisa” continued to don her blue lightweight jacket.
**Lisa is a contortionist. She can twist her self into inhuman positions that hurt to watch. If things don’t work out at the OIG, she could easily work for a traveling freak show.
***The “Vickie of the Month” is a monthly award bestowed on the OIG staff member guilty of having the most unseemly behavior during a given month.

Monday, April 26, 2004

The Lisa Chronicles - Chapter 1 (written by special contributor "Alan")

Monday complimentary happy hour started at 5:30, I get down to the bar about 5:40 and “Lisa” is already there with drink number 1. After about 5 minutes “Lisa” is finished and ready for another drink. The second drink lasts about 10 minutes before she's done and ready for number 3. After 30 minutes she's had 3 drinks and is about to fall asleep on the couch. All of this in front of “Manager X”. As we're trying to decide where to eat dinner, “Lisa” says that she wants to go someplace that we can't get in Dallas, so I take them to a Mexican food restaurant that is on the lake. “Lisa” proceeds to order a grilled chicken sandwich, as if she can't get that anywhere in Dallas. Her excuse for not ordering something else was she wanted fries. After learning of all of “Lisa”'s strange eating habits, “Manager X” tells her she's stranger than (someone who shall remain nameless).

1. Strangely, “Lisa” will eat chicken as long as it is thick. If the chicken is thin, she will not eat it. Conversely, if hamburgers are thick, “Lisa” refuses them. However, if there is a thin hamburger she is likely to eat it.
2. If you find the alcohol consumption described here excessive, you might be interested to know the following “Lisa” quotation on the final day of a recent “training” event in Florida. She said, “Man, I drank twice as much here as I did in Austin.” Based on the way she kept falling face first into her chicken at dinner the last night we were there, I’d tend to take her word on that. She seems to be spiraling a little bit out of control.

Sunday, April 18, 2004


The best thing about Atlanta is the way that it’s water interacts with my hairdo. In case you haven’t seen it, my hair has definite problems. During high school the only thing good I could do was this trick combining static electricity, a blanket, and my head hair. I would rub and rub my head with a blanket until I knew that the quantity of electricity was sufficient to make a light bulb flicker. People liked me. In return for friendship, I paid a pretty serious hair price. All of that rubbing caused my hairs to become really wiry. Plus, none of the separate hairs will go in the same direction without the use of large helpings of hair care products – which I refuse to use! I HAVE A SENSITIVE SCALP. Lots of people think I’m going bald (but I’m not). I have what are called “dueling crowns”. Most people have one crown. Since I have two crowns, I give off the illusion of going bald. The crown is the part of your head where the separate skull platelets come together. On a baby it’s called the soft spot. If they turned you/(me) into a kabob, they’d stick the skewer through your (my) (dueling) crown(s). If you were corn on the cob, they’d stick one of those things right in your crown. So I’ve had to find other things to take pride in besides my hair (e.g., abs, puppet shows). But when I came to Atlanta, and, more specifically, to the JW Marriott Lenox, that all changed! To be continued…

(This never was continued, but let's suffice it to say that the people of Atlanta are very mean to me. I asked one lady if she knew where there was a movie theatre. She said "Yes" and kept on goin'. I HOPE TO NEVER RETURN TO ATLANTA!)